Monday, August 8, 2011

Teen Choice Awards...Robert Pattinson Choice "fangs"! Taylor Swift's embarrassment of riches!

Taylor Lautner trotted out in chic sexy black leather (which suited his handsome dark looks), Justin Bieber thanked the "maker", GLEE continued to snap up accolades, and technical oversights (incompetence?) threatened to spoil the night's festivities.

But, a good time was had by all, in the end.

Took a while getting to the closing credits, though.

I expect that viewers at home were ready to switch the channel when Ashton Kutcher strode on the stage at the top of the otherwise high-energy Teen Choice Awards to accept a trophy (surfboard) for Choice Actor (in a Comedy).

Kutcher didn't look the part.

Actually, his off-beat fashion look was downright goofy.

The actor, soon to appear on "Two And a Half Men" in the season opener, looked for all-the-world like he was prepping for a the role of a down-and-out homeless dude.

The bizarre moustache was distacting, while the beard accented a weak boyish chin.

And, what of those dark sunglasses?

The glare of the spotlight must be too blinding for Demi's better half on the heels of stealing Charlie Sheen's thunder - duly reported  in a swirl of hysterical press reports (if you recall).

Or,  just maybe Kutcher was taking a cue from Jack Nicholson.

When you're Ashon Kutcher - "Two And a Half Men Saviour" (the jury is still out on that) - you can do whatevver the fuck 'ya want.

How would I best describe the acceptance speech? 

Long-winded, rambling, self-indulgent and - just plain - "out there".

Any moment, I half-expected the kid-from-nowhere, to drop his pants and model his underwear.

It's amazing the way he got the audience involved in a sing-a-long, though.

Was everyone on drugs?

Then, for a bit of comic relief, Ellen DeGeneres sprinted up to cuddle her surfboard (the nano-second was a breath of fresh air).

Although Ellen (God love 'ya) is as old as-the-hills, the "out" talk-show host is still admired by the teen gen.

"Thanks to everyone. Well no, just to those who voted for me," she quipped.

DeGeneres was more boyish than ever, too.

I guess marriage agrees with her. Do 'ya suppose Ellen plays the role of top (the butch) in the relationship with her pretty wife Portia?

Selena Gomez dazzled once again - with not one - but two eye-popping outfits (which accentuated bust and leg).

The number she trotted down the carpet in (the "Bieb" was at her side) was right on-the-money.

White, for purity?

Come on - surely you don't think in your wildest dreams -  that Justin and Selena haven't done the nasty yet?

Taylor Lautner was a studly stand-out (he took a Choice Award for Sci-fi Fantasy actor) attired in chic black leather which complemented his dark handsome looks.

For the most part, the glitzy ceremony - which moved along at a fast clip for the most part - was upbeat.

Throughout the night's festivities, the camera panned the rapt audience (which consisted of a mix of celebs and real live teens dragged in from the wilds of the valley) and caught a gaggle of toothpaste-white smiles mugging for the camera, stylish celebs darting to-and-from the multi-colored stage, and the occasional close-up of a heartthrob staring the other way.

To paraphrase a quote from the film "Sunset Boulevard":

"Justin! You weren't ready for your close-up!"

When the squeaky-clean pop star nabbed the prize for Choice Musical Artist he was natural and down-to-earth on stage.

"Is this real?  Can I use it?"

Of course, the hit-maker - blessed with a bevy of bodacious babes chasing after his cute little ass - was referring to the much-coveted Surfboard Trophy.

Just betcha, he'll be out surfing in Malibu tomorrow, with the paparazzi hiding behind every bush waiting to catch a wipe-out on film.

By the way, the young Canuck looked hip, decked out in black vest, matching slacks, fuschia shirt (open at the collar) with tails hanging out.

Okay! Okay! Okay!

When you're young and carefree the fashion police tend to look the other way.

The mercurial singing sensation must have been catching up on politics stateside in recent days, though.

When the respectful lad thanked "God" the maker for his success, Rick Perry's controversial cult-like "response" rally sprang to mind.

The tribute was a little over-the-top, but heartfelt, nonetheless

A nice Christian boy - that God has smiled on - don't  'ya think?

For the most part, the night smacked of youthfulness, and brimmed with a twist of zest and oodles of vitality (which bubbled over in abundance everywhere).
A couple of winners mangled the English language along the way, go figure!

For instance, when Blake Lively scored for her performance in a TV drama (Gossip Girls), she did the unthinkable.

"OMG, this is so  exciting," she gushed, "What makes it so exciting, to go to work, is you guys."

Gosh, gag me with a spoon, eh?

Will someone take the ditzy babe aside and point out that "you" is both singular and plural.

Subsequently, it was not necessary to say "you guys" when expressing her thanks to the audience.

Selena Gomez committed the same language sin a few moments later when she gifted her Surfboard to the fans.

"This is for yous guys," she excitedly screamed.

Gosh, do 'ya suppose her parents are gangsters?

By the way, her gig on stage was a highlight of the Teen Choice Awards.

The gorgeous hat - which adorned her pretty head during the live mesmerizing performance - was obviously a nod to the Duchess of Cambridge.

The overall "look" sizzled up the screen!

There was a sensual sexy side to Ms. Gomez that has taken bloom in recent days.

Do you suppose the little darling dresses up in black panties and garters when she's behind closed doors with you-know-who?

That may account for the twinkle in Justin's eyes.

Amusing moments? 

When Ed Helms strode up to accept the "Hissy Fit" award.

Was that off-the-wall award supposed to be an insult or an honor?

A poignant moment also splashed across the old boob tube when a sharp camera-man captured a shot of Mark Wahlberg with a young one in his arms as he gazed on the antics of actors on stage.

Was "The Fighter" there in the event he won in his category?

Pet Peeve?

I always shake my head in disgust when some bimbo babe struts out incessantly tugging at the hem of a skirt persisently riding-up!

Down boys!

Technical problems were unforgiveable considering the status of the Teen Choice Awards also.

Or, was there budget just too low, to iron out the wrinkles on commercial break?

For example, during a few speeches, it was difficult to make hide-or-tail of what the actors were saying, because the mics were positioned "too low" on the stand.

An experienced performer would have adjusted the darn thing, impromptu, or worked it into a comedy routine at least.

Meanwhile, it was evident this evening that Vampires are still breathing down heavy on fans of the genre.


"Vampire Diaries" scored for sci-fi TV drama, for starters.

And Twilight - a midnight favorite - nabbed a fistful of the novel prizes as expected.

Robert Pattinson snatched up Choice Actor (Drama) and Choice Vampire as expected.

But, Taylor Swift, was undoubtedly the big winner last night with a half-a-dozen or so (who's counting at this juncture?) Surfboards to lug home.

Jake Gyllenhaal eat your heart out!

'Til next year!

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